Troubled Teens: Addictions and Disrespect

You hear your child, niece, nephew, or loved one is running away from home, not responding to their phones, not listening, and failing school. You suspect they are taking drugs with their friends, but don't know for sure. Here are some steps you can take to support them through this phase:

1) Assess: Set aside time to take them out for coffee and find out what is going on in their lives. Ask them, their parents, and friends, if appropriate, for insight into what struggles they might be dealing with. Ask open ended questions that seek to understand: How are you doing? Help me understand what you're dealing with.

2) Build a relationship: Ask them about the various activities they are involved in, what their interests, or plans are for their future. Text, call, or meet them where they are at, and just be a presence they can feel safe to open up to.

• Check in on them: Ask, "How are you doing in terms of coping with your situation/addictions?" 
• Provide Praise: When you see the individual engage in healthy behaviors, praise them. Say, "Im proud of you for coming home over the weekend and didn't fall into peer pressure."
• Remind them: Say, "You will get though this, stay strong" "Your present circumstance doesn't define our future."  "Its never too late to start over. If you weren't happy with yesterday try something different today. Don't stay stuck" " You can't reach what's in front of you until you let go of whats behind you." "Everything will be ok. Take it a step and decision at a time."

3) Encourage self-reflection: Individuals might not even know what they need. Provide them with tools to help them assess their situation and feelings/emotions to really address the root of their behavior.

• Emotions Face chart: This will assist them in identifying their emotions. Ask, "How do you feel about the situation right now?"
• How big is my problem diagram: This will assist them in gauging the size of their problem. Ask, "If the problem had a number to it, what number would you or your sister/brother/friend/mom/dad give it?"
• Personality Test: If they're up to it, have them take a 12 minute personality test to help them understand themselves more. See my previous post for the details on this. 

4) Encourage healthy coping strategies: Many times individuals act out because they don't know how to cope, or communicate their feelings/emotions in a healthy way. Provide them with tools to help them cope/communicate better.

• Coping skills chart: This will assist them in finding healthy ways to cope. Ask, "What 5 self-care/coping strategies can you start practicing?' 
• The "I statement" diagram: This will assist them in communicating their feelings and needs. Ask, " How would you fill this in, 'I feel____, when____, because____. What I need___.'"
• Things I can and can't control diagram: This will assist them in realizing that they are in control of their thoughts and behaviors. And, are not responsible for the thoughts, opinions, words, and action of others. 

5) Addressing issues/addictions: Inevitably unhealthy coping behaviors and situations will come up during your conversations. You may notice that they are restless, jittery, or even have drug paraphernalia on them. 

• Drugs/vaping/smoking/drinking issues: Find out what substance they are using, when, and how often. Inform them of the health consequences, and the control addiction has on individuals who continue this lifestyle.  
• Identify Triggers: This will assist them in identifying what situations cause them to lash out or indulge in certain bad habits.  
• Stand up to peer pressure tip chart: This will assist them with tips in resisting the urge to make poor choices just to fit in. Its important that they assess the crowd they hang with. Ask, "Which tip do you think you could use to resist peer pressure?", "What friends will help, or harm your future?"
• Stages of behavior change diagram: This will assist them and you with identifying how they are feeling about adopting a positive lifestyle stage, and how you can help them progress through the stages. Ask, "What stage do you think you are in right now?"
• Other Resources: 1-800-QUI-TNOW. Provide them with info on what happens to the body during withdrawals of identified substance use. Consider having them see a therapist. 

7) Know when its time to set boundaries, and provide space:  You can only help a person so much, until you ultimately have to let them deal with the consequences of their choices. If the individual continues to lie, sneak out of the house, be disobedient, and refuses to engage in constructive dialogue, you need to start drawing the line.

• Set expectations for communication: Establishing rules that both of you can abide by will help make known what each expects of the other.  Say " Help me understand, so we can learn how respect each other's boundaries." 
• Establish home rules: Some examples are that they will need to be home by 10pm, attend school/homeschool/boarding school, participate in house chores, make known their whereabouts at all times, handover or limit access to their phone/laptop etc. 
• Remind them: Say, "I can reach out and support you as best as I can, but you also have to put in effort reaching out to me as well. It can't be one sided or it won't be a sustainable or effective way to communicate." or "Your life is a result of your choices if you don't like your life its time to make some better choices."

8) Take care of yourself: This can be a stressful time for those involved, and it is important to remember to take time to care for yourself. Stay calm, and don't get all worked up. Your loved one will hear you better if you stay calm and repeat the positive changes they are attempting to make. 

What strategies do you use to help your loved ones during troubled times?

Photo source: offendersolution.net

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