Knowing how to recognize healthy vs. destructive/toxic relationship patterns/dynamics will better equip you and your child to set firm boundaries, protect your/their mental well-being, as well as, invest and nurture connections rooted in mutual respect. Here are some signs to look out for to help build your emotional awareness:
Toddler 1-3 years old
Good friend
· Parallel play: Happily plays next to their peers, even if they aren't directly playing with them. At this stage they often mimic/imitate the action of their peers (i.e. stack blocks the same way).
· Shares (sometimes): Makes an occasional effort to pass a toy, or engage in back-and-forth rolling of a ball.
· Shows Empathy: Shows concern (i.e. stop to look, hands a blanket, offers a pat on back) when their peer cries.
· Engaging: Smiles, makes eye contact, and points at things to show their peer a shared interest.
Bad/undeveloped friend
· Biting, hitting, or pushing: Uses physical actions to express frustration, tiredness/fatigue, or a desire for a toy.
· Grabby with toys: Takes toys away without warning, or understanding the concept of taking turns.
· Tantrums: Have meltdowns that can overwhelm, or frighten their peers. Consistently destroys another peer’s blocks/artwork.
Toddler phase Tips: Bad behaviors are typically not done out of true malice/manipulation. This stage requires close/active adult supervision/coaching to model sharing, taking turns, apologizing, being kind, communicating clearly, labeling emotions, and teaching phrases like, “we don’t bite/hit our friends,” or “Can I have a turn next?” Try to keep playdates short (~30-45 minutes) to avoid meltdowns.
Preschool 3-5 years old
Good friend
· Shares and Take turns: They are able to engage in cooperative play. They happily swap toys and accept waiting their turn in a game
· Shows Empathy: They check on their peer or offers a comforting pat if their peer has fallen down or seems sad.
· Good Communicator: They use words to resolve conflict and express what they want, rather than biting, hitting, pushing, or snatching.
· Inclusive: They invite other peers to play and enjoy building things together or pretending (i.e. playing house).
Bad/unkind/Developmentally inappropriate friend
· Refuse to Share: They hoard toys and throw tantrums when asked to compromise.
· Physically Aggressive: They regularly hit, kick, or bite when they do not get their way. They are destructive and purposely knock down other children's block towers or ruin their games.
· Ignore Boundaries: Continue to do something (i.e. continues to crowd, or touch their peers) that another peer has asked them to stop doing, has said, “no,” or has pulled away from.
· Intentionally Exclude: They tell their peers "You can't play with us," or purposefully ignores someone to make them feel bad.
Preschool phase Tips: Bad behaviors are typically due to lack of emotional regulation, and undeveloped social skills rather than true malice/manipulation. This stage requires adults to role model healthy social behaviors, since they learn a lot by observation, and guide them when needed. Asking them, “what can we do to help both of you play?,” can help guide/build their social problem-solving skills.
School age and teens 5-18 years old
Good/high-quality friend
· Inclusive & Kind: They invite you to play, share their things, show empathy, are supportive/encouraging, and celebrate your successes without jealousy.
· Fair & Patient: They respect the rules of the games, play fair, and do not cheat. They take turns, compromise during games, and forgive minor mistakes instead of holding grudges.
· Trustworthy: They keep your confidence/secrets, don't spread rumors, and stick up for you if others are being mean.
· Respectful: You feel valued and safe around them. They listen to your feelings and respect your personal boundaries.
· Able to Apologize: They say sorry and take responsibility when they make a mistake.
Bad/destructive/toxic friend
· Bully & Tease: They consistently call you names, mock/make fun of you, belittle your interests/dreams, gossip, hurt you, or make you feel embarrassed in front of others. They consistently undermine (a.k.a. sabotage, weaken, erode) your confidence making you feel unhappy/drained.
· Controlling & Manipulative: They might say things like "I won't be your friend if you hang out with them," or pressure you into doing things you don’t want to do, or are uncomfortable with. They may give you the “silent treatment,” or disrespect/ignore your boundaries
· Inconsistent & Selfish: They act different in private and public. They might be nice one day and completely ignore/exclude you the next day without explanation. They want to play/engage and pay attention to you only when it is convenient for them. Essentially, they expect your attention whenever they want it, and only show up when they need something.
· Competitive: They make everything a contest and get jealous of your success.
School age phase Tips: This stage is a good time to educate kids on identifying whether specific friendship behaviors are safe or harmful. Roleplaying/practicing what to say when a friend is not being nice may help (i.e. “I don’t like it when you talk to me that way”). Diversifying social circles by encouraging friendships in different settings may help.
Adult 18+ years
Good/high-quality friend
· Respectful of Boundaries: They honor your boundaries, opinions and individuality. They understand you have limited time and energy due to work or family, and they do not guilt-trip you for saying "no".
· Emotionally Safe: They are emotionally intelligent, and you are able to maintain open/honest/direct communication, and express your true feelings/needs without fear of judgment, or passive-aggressive pushback/reactions.
· Genuinely Supportive: They are happy for your personal milestones, relationships, promotions, growth and actively celebrate your wins/successes, rather than feeling threatened or competitive.
· Dependable: They keep their promises and show up when it matters, even if you do not speak every day. They are reliable during hard times, and there is mutual/reciprocal effort in the relationship. If plans change, they communicate promptly/respectfully.
Bad/destructive/toxic friend
· Lack Accountability: When a conflict arises, they dismiss your feelings, deflect blame/guilt (i.e. playing the victim, projection, guilt-tripping), refuse to sincerely apologize, or keeps score of past mistakes.
· Blatant or Hidden Insults: They constantly judge/criticize you through frequent name-calling, belittling, backhanded compliments, or placing blame. They are jealous and disguise mean comments as, "jokes."
· Emotionally manipulative: They slowly erode your self-esteem and mental health over time through emotional manipulation (i.e. gaslighting, triangulation, smear campaigns/gossiping, silent treatments, love bombing, moving the goalposts). Thus, leaving you feeling bad about yourself. They also can gradually shift your focus away from your friends/family/dreams to isolate you and increase your dependence on them.
· One-Sided: Conversations always revolve around their problems, and they show little interest in your life. They are transactional and only present when they need a favor, plus-one for an event, emotional venting, or it’s convenient for them. They are flaky/unreliable, consistently canceling plans last minute and rarely showing up when you need them most.
· Energy Draining: You consistently feel exhausted, anxious, or "on edge" after spending time together. They often bring drama into your life leaving you feel exhausted rather than uplifted.
· Ignore boundaries: Invades your privacy, or continues to do something that you have specifically asked them to stop doing (i.e. make uninvited visits, pressuring you to overspend, pokes at sensitive topics).
Adult age phase Tips: At this stage, you are often evaluating the health and quality of your social circle, relationship dynamics (i.e. patterns of communication, behavior, and emotional interactions between individuals) and prioritizing the connections/relationships that feel mutual and life-giving. Identifying your triggers/limits, using direct communication, setting firm boundaries, documenting interactions, limiting information, and disengaging with a bad/destructive/toxic friend are some actionable steps towards protecting yourself.
What relationship signs do you look out for?
Photo source: https://blog.penpal.me
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